I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
