I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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