I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
