Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
