even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
