I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
