Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
