She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
