me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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