That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
