im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You left your phone here
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