also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
