we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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