I met the friendliest cop last night
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
