I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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