just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
