Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
