we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
