College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
