She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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