i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
