all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
