the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
