Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
