I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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