I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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