um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
