i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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