Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
