I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We need to rekindle our bromance
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
