Where did you get a picture of my penis
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize