ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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