i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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