Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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