I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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