dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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