just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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