Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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