I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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