Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
