Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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