our cab driver is having phone sex.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
