dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
