The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
