I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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