so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
