y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
