So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
