Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
