i just wanna soil my oats bro
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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