I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
