You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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