im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
