so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
