There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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