I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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