Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
