I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
