so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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